Happier Made Simple™

Happier Made Simple™ – An Excerpt

THE MYTH OF CONSTANT HAPPINESS, THE TRUTH OF JUST HAPPIER 

I repeat: If, for some reason, you’re thinking that the goal is to be happy, like, every minute of every day, then oops! This may not be the book for you.

Actually, I’m not sure there is a book you can buy for that – at least, not one that works.

We’re not supposed to be happy all the time. We’ve got a beautiful range of emotional states that co-exist so we can tell the difference between them. Most philosophies will mention this in one way or another, from Ancient Chinese (Yin and Yang, “two halves that together complete wholeness”) to Jewish Mysticism/Kabbalah’s description of the world as a “dichotomy…that travels throughout nature” (kabbalahmadeeasy.com).

Or:

You couldn’t have strength without weakness, you couldn’t have light without dark, you couldn’t have love without loss.

― Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle

Long story shorter, and to quote a much-refuted song lyric about love and marriage (and a horse and carriage), “you can’t have one without the other.” 

How can we know when we’re happy if we’re never sad? How can we tell we’re calm if we’re never, well, not calm? Notice the Yin/Yang symbol shows us that each of the opposites holds a bit of the other inside of it:

There’s a reason for that.

Oh, and there is even scientific proof that the constant quest for happiness can actually make us more depressed!  I kid you not. (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-019-00193-9)

So, no. The goal is not to be constantly happy. Ugh. Life is life, and some moments will absolutely suck – like when you lose your wallet, someone steals your car, or you get on the scale (three times in a row, so you’re sure) and you’ve gained five pounds,

Yeah, yeah. Silver linings, Blah blah blah. I hear you. But getting to the silver linings takes work – after first spotting, and recognizing, the cloud.

(Still not convinced? Find Episode 28 of The Twilight Zone, “A Nice Place to Visit”, where Rocky wonders why he was let into heaven. Interesting.)

But, yes, we can tip that balance so we are happier. 

Some of happiness is a choice. And the shortcut to those choices is in the words we use.

MYTH: WORDS CAN NEVER HARM ME

TRUTH: WORDS HAVE POWER, AND LEAD TO MORE, VIA BRIDGING ASSOCIATIONS

I promise I’m not going to get too scientific here, but hey the science is kinda cool.

Our mind makes associations. What are they? Let’s go right to the first definition supplied by the American Psychological Association (APA) at dictionary.apa.org:

Association: a connection or relationship between two items (e.g., ideas, events, feelings) with the result that experiencing the first item activates a representation of the second.

Associations are there for a reason. Our brains can’t do everything all at once. Imagine if, say, we had to remember every step, every time, of brushing our teeth, or starting the car, or tying our shoes? Or if we forgot that the red light means stop? Yikes!

The brain needs – and develops – shortcuts. These are (science alert) called heuristics – defined as “efficient mental processes that help humans solve problems or learn a new concept” (https://www.thoughtco.com/heuristics-psychology-4171769). They’re kind of like “rules of thumb”, or maybe bookmarks, and many of them can even join together to form a habit with lots of steps, automatically taken.

Author Q and A with Randye Kaye

Tell us about yourself.

I wear a lot of hats other than the personal ones of mom, grandma, wife, sister, friend…I earn my keep as an actress, radio personality, singer, author, speaker, voice talent, audiobook narrator, improviser, teacher.  Seems scattered, right? But there’s a thread running through all those professions, even though it took hindsight for me to see it.

The common thread is communication: via body and voice, and more specifically, the words we choose: words we write, words we speak, words we choose to tell our stories to ourselves and each other.

I’ve been lucky enough to share words through my work – from framing life’s little surprises on a radio show, to mining them for laughs and lessons on stage or as a teacher, to a big share in my first book Ben Behind His Voices. 

Give a brief description of your book, Happier Made Simple™. 

Happier Made Simple™ helps people who feel held back by anxiety and doubt become happier and more confident every day by making simple word changes – with a dash of humor – so that they can enjoy more love, purpose and success in their lives.

In three easy-to-digest sections, it presents “shortcuts to more serenity in a complicated world” by harnessing the power of the words we use in everyday life – in the way we speak to ourselves, and with others.

• Section I busts old myths about “happiness” and sets realistic expectations

• Section II lays out Seven Core Phrases, in Concepts that spell BREATHE. Readers can try out these phrases right away to reduce anxiety, reframe situations and increase serenity. Explanations follow the actions.

• Section III goes beyond self-talk to touch on a few more concepts to explore and try, including the words we use when we speak to others, and actions that can make a difference right away. 

I’ll let one of my early readers (Donna Cameron, author of A Year of Living Kindly) describe it:

“Filled with humor, insight, and a vitalizing honesty, Happier Made Simple™ reminds us that we always have a choice in how we respond to what life throws our way. Randye Kaye’s welcome voice offers an empowering message and practical strategies for living a life of joy, presence, and connection.” 

Why did you write Happier Made Simple™?

Like you, I’ve been through stuff. As my grandmother used to say, “everybody’s got something.” But we do tend to differ in the way we react to life’s challenges and joys. As I shared my own experiences with audiences and workshop participants, so many asked me how I “stay so positive” that they inspired me to share my answers in this book.

My first goal was to write a book readers might actually want to finish, with ideas to use right away. So many of us (myself included) have self-development books sitting on our shelves (or donated to garage sales), with only a chapter or two completed. Friends told me, “I bought this book about happiness and just couldn’t finish it. It got too wordy and complicated. I wanted to shout, just tell me what to do!”

I include stories of my own challenges so far –marriage to an alcoholic, desertion of the aforementioned spouse, single parenting, supporting my family as an actor, losing my parents, serious mental illness in my son, a big DNA surprise, learning to love and trust again, the journey back from being hit by a car.

Still, my “default mode” (as my computer geek husband calls it) is to choose happier.

How?  I realized that the words I chose to tell myself led me to happier places, at least eventually (strong emotions must be processed). Words are shortcuts. They bridge to other thoughts, feelings and actions – and if we are not aware of where they lead us, we might go there blindfolded.

There are lots of fantastic resources out there – I recommend them in my book for further enlightenment – but I couldn’t find one that provided a simple explanation, told with everyday language and humor, framed as actions and word changes to try first, understand later. So I wrote one.

Also, in attending “happiness” workshops online and in-person, some of the most revered “happiness gurus” I experienced never even cracked a smile. Many of these classes scored low on fun and humor, high on complicated concepts.

I had presented some of this book’s material as a workshop in corporate and self-development settings, and the response was so encouraging (plus we all had fun) that the basis of the seven Core Phrases and Concepts that spell “BREATHE” formed the first seven chapters. 

What was the most challenging part of writing this book?

Well, since it took a full decade to get this one from my head into print, I’d say there were quite a few challenges. Mostly? Procrastination. Yes, the evil “I’ll get to it later” monster.

One reason for procrastination is a lack of time. Okay, true, but this can also just become an excuse.

Two things gave me more time:

• my adult son moved out (we had revolved a fair amount of our schedule around his medication needs, long story), and

• my audiobook narration schedule, normally totally booked, got quiet for a whole month. After a little detour into the actor’s lament (oh no will I ever work again?) I followed my own advice, reframed the situation, and realized the Universe was giving me time to finish the darn book already.

Another friend of procrastination (and enemy of accomplishment) is a lack of structure. I needed a plan. (As I share in the book, Structure isn’t the prison. Chaos is the prison.) For me, I plan best when accountable to someone, or something else. You gotta know you own foibles.

So I used the same trick that I’d employed in getting my first book written: involving another human being so I’d have accountability.

I signed up for two courses designed to help you get that book done. The first one got me as far as the outline, which was a huge step but that’s where it – or, rather, I – stopped. A few years later, I did the “finish the book in 30 days” route. That one got me to the finish line.

Also – honorable (or not-so-honorable) mention to another procrastination ally: imposter syndrome. I had to get past my own doubts – did the world need my message? Would anyone resonate with it? Are there already too many books on this topic?

Two things helped with that: my treasured early readers who loved the book and its uniqueness, and my own stubbornness. Once I got the first draft done, there was no way I wasn’t going to take the risk and finish the journey.

Momentum is a wonderful thing – and so are the community of other writers, specialists who can help with the details that are too complicated to do alone, and friends and family that keep you going. 

What other books have inspired you?

So, so many. I was more of a math/science nerd in high school (ok, music and theatre too), but I’ve often wished I could go back to English class again. Oh, what a privilege it was to be in a group of other humans who all (supposedly) read the same book, and to discuss it together! Of course, I didn’t see it that way in high school. True, too, about gym class.

Nowadays we have book clubs, online communities, Amazon and Goodreads reviews, and friends/ family recommendations. As an audiobook narrator, I’ve also had the opportunity to read (out loud) many works that I might never have been introduced to otherwise. How lucky is that?

In Happier Made Simple™, I share some additional inspirations with the readers and the end of each chapter. These are books whose concepts guide me to this day.

Here are some of those, and a few more:

When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

Improv Wisdom, by Patricia Ryan Madson

Man’s Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl

My Stroke of Insight, by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor

Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman

The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown

A Year of Living Kindly, by Donna Cameron

Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam

The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein

Tuesdays With Morrie, by Mitch Albom

Why Is My Child In Charge?, by Claire Lerner (and we all also have that inner child…)

The Stand, by Stephen King (what would we as people do if we had to start over?)

And… the body of work of Stephen Sondheim. Not a book, but pure philosophical poetry with tremendous insight and honest questions about life.

How did you come up with the title?

This one wasn’t as difficult as my first book, where there were three working titles (To Hell and Halfway Back; No Casseroles for Schizophrenia, and finally Ben Behind His Voices) before we settled on the last one.

This book started with the deliberate use of Happier rather than Happiness. That was on purpose – as promising constant happiness seems unattainable, and I wanted to keep it real. Simple came in reaction to the many books I picked up, and then put down, that had tiny fonts and tons of theory. This one had to look, and be, readable.

What is your favorite passage in the book and why?

I framed the BREATHE Seven Core Concepts/Phrases so that they might become the most memorable (and easily remembered) content. Many workshop participants told me they carry the Seven Phrases in their wallet. There are others, though, that also seem to resonate with readers so far:

Life is what you highlight.

Never underestimate the beauty of small encounters.

Your state of mind can be all about how you tell your story – to others and, especially, to yourself.

Unsnap that judgment. Curiosity or fascination replacing judgment is key to seeing life through a happier lens.

Humility, including admitting when you are wrong, is a more widely opened door into the human race. Come on in, the water’s fine.

We’re not supposed to be happy all the time. We’ve got a beautiful range of emotional states that co-exist so we can tell the difference between them.

Family is what you embrace.

We are not as self-sufficient as we think we are. Not really. Yes, we have the illusion of self-sufficiency now. It can be easy to forget that we need each other.

You don’t go to the hardware store for butter. No one – no one – can give you everything you need.

Humor has always gotten me through, always given perspective to life’s little surprises, wrong turns, fears, and doubts. And humor begins with curiosity. Isn’t That… Interesting?

Humor must be joined with kindness. Laugh at yourself, but never at someone else. Laugh with others.

All will be well – just maybe not in the way you expect.

Acceptance is not the same thing as approval.