What if Target's Sweater Poked "Fun" at Cancer?

What if it said “Christmas cancer. My spending is growing uncontrollably”?

Is really "just a shirt"?

This week, social media has been abuzz with two "holiday" issues so far: the Starbucks Cup ( and there's not much left to say) and a sweater still being sold by Target which amusingly ( to their buyers, I suppose) calls O.C.D. "Obsessive Christmas Disorder.

"Mental Health Advocates are up in arms about this "joke", which not only trivializes a serious and sometimes debilitating condition, but in doing so spreads misunderstanding and stigma. Target is refusing to remove the sweater from its racks, and its supporters say "oh, get a life, it's just a harmless joke."

But what if the sweater read:

 I have Christmas

Cancer.

My spending just keeps growing out of control.

I ask you, what then? Would anyone be supporting Target's "right to make a joke"?

I have a sense of humor. My son has schizophrenia, another serious mental illness, and after years we can finally laugh together about parts of his past. But the key word is: together. We laugh with, not at. 

OCD is not "cute." It's not Monk wanting to keep his shoes in a row and the carpet clean.  Some are able to manage the symptoms, but many are not, and this illness prevents them from living a productive life. For those who struggle to manage this, or any other serious illness, it's not a laughing matter - unless you have earned the right to laugh with, not at, perhaps struggling with the illness yourself - and then only if the time is right.

No one needs a healthy person wearing a sweater that trivializes the condition of someone who is not.

I recently went through a year of physical therapy to regain the ability to walk, and laughter has helped...but not laughing AT. Only in the physical therapy room, or with my family and friends who have helped me through, was humor appropriate - and actually quite welcome. But if anyone were to make fun of me, or wear a shirt that said "I am crippled for Christmas: My credit card has limitations", I would be annoyed at the trivialization of my pain.

laughing at oneself is very different from laughing at someone else.

Mental illness is still a physical illness; it's in the brain. If you wouldn't make fun of cancer, Target, don't make fun of OCD, schizophrenia, PTSD, bipolar, or any other illness of the brain.

Pull those sweaters now.

Thank You, John Oliver. And I apologize.

Wow. John Oliver just summed up the problems with our mental health system in 11 minutes and 54 seconds - with plenty of room for punchlines as well. I know - seems like something that isn't humorous. But this segment provides more respect for mental health issues than so many others I've seen. Well-placed humor can do that.

Watch it here:

His opening statement, like all the facts in this comedy-in-truth piece, is correct:

"It seems there is nothing like a mass shooting to suddenly spark political interest in mental health."

Guilty as charged. My last post was, yes, sparked by yet another act of violence that I suspected would eventually point back to an unaddressed mental health problem in the shooter (and lack of support for his family). After receiving 2 comments which were too extreme to approve, I almost deleted the post today. It seems to have sparked stigma and judgment instead of the empathy and constructive outrage I had hoped to inspire.  But I will let it remain in this thread, because while I myself may have jumped the gun on "judging" this shooter with expectations that attention should have been paid to his mental health way before a crisis, I also know that such judgment harms people like my son, who lives in fear that people will find out he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. (for the record, his name and identifiable facts have been changed in the book and in my posts, with his permission to tell the story that way)

So let's be reminded of the following facts, in Rolling Stone's coverage of the segment:

"The aftermath of a mass shooting might actually be the worst time to talk about mental health," he argues. "Because, for the record, the vast majority of mentally ill people are non-violent. And the vast majority of gun violence is committed by non-mentally ill people." The host cites a February 2015 report by the American Journal of Public Health, which states that "fewer than 5 percent of the 120,000 gun-related killings … were perpetrated by people diagnosed with mental illness."

Yes. Let's not stigmatize those with mental health issues every time a crime like this occurs. But also, yes. Let's pay attention to our broken system - and fix it. Segments like John's, factual as well as (weird but wonderfully true) entertaining, point the way.

Sons with Schizophrenia: A Tale of Three Mothers

Three mothers with so much in common, we could form a club. Each raised one son and one daughter, through adolescence into young adulthood. Each loves her children with all her heart. And, sadly, each of our brilliant, happy, sweet sons began to change in their mid-teens, and were eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia. We have each written about our experiences, shared our stories so they might help others.

But our stories have taken three very different turns. Today, one of these mothers mourns the death of her son, who passed away in “individual housing” earlier this year. Another of us sits stoically in a courtroom as her son is being tried for shooting moviegoers in Aurora, Colorado. And I, the lucky one, get to hug my son as he heads off to work, in his car, filled with gas that he paid for himself. For today, yes, I am the lucky one.

Love matters…but it’s not enough

My heart goes out to the other mothers, even though I have never met them. I only know them through their writings, but I feel their struggles, their pain, their guilt, their love. Anyone who lives with mental illness in their family knows that we live life with crossed fingers, and we fight with all our might to make the right decisions.

And it is far from easy.

Laura Pogliano called herself “lucky”, too, sharing her story The Fortunate Mother: Caring for a Son with Schizophrenia in USA Today in 2014. In it, she “feels lucky that she's been able to hang in, lucky that Zac is not living in jail or under a bridge…even though ‘Twice a year, right in front of me, he disappears into psychosis, and there is very little left of who he is. Then medicine resurrects him for a few months, I have much of my child back, then he dies again.' “ 

Later, she struggled with whether or not to let Zac get his own apartment.  In a USA Today follow-up story, Laura says Zac had moved into an apartment near her home, and that she had tried to “protect her son without being overprotective.” Zac stopped communicating with her for a few days, and she had the same reaction as many parents who strive to allow independence with limits: “I asked myself, 'How much do I baby him? If he's with some friends, I don't want to butt in.' ''

Who hasn’t been there? I know I have. That balance between letting go and stepping in is a staple of parenting. In Laura’s case, the results were tragic: Zac was found dead in his apartment in January 2015. Her “luck” had run out…but the lack of respect and services for her family situation is certainly more to blame than luck.

Laura is devoting much of her time now to honoring Zac’s life with her advocacy. This did not have to happen. See her powerful piece called My Mentally Ill Son versus Your Son With Another Type of Illness.

Young Holmes Family

Holmes Family Today

Arlene Holmes is the mother of a man who is hated by many. Her son, “Jim” is known to us for only one thing : the day he opened fire in a crowded movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, killing 12 and wounding 70. James Eagan Holmes, before that day, was a neuroscience student, a camp counselor, a church goer, a class leader, a big brother. He was – and is – somebody’s son. And he had needed help for a long time.I don’t profess to understand how Arlene Holmes feels. I can only imagine the guilt, regret, isolation and grief – and surmise that these feelings began long before the “Batman incident”, when her son first began to show early behavior changes (including a suicide attempt at age 11). What I imagine to be the feelings behind the stoic expression of Arlene and her husband as they sit near their son during his trial comes from her self-published book of poetry When the Focus Shifts, her reaction to the shootings, and the arrest and trial of her son. She states that the proceeds are to be donated to medical and mental health services.

Is she a “monster”, who “raised a monster”? I doubt it. I suspect that she, like me and Laura, was just a woefully underprepared and unsupported parent.

She writes:

(01-08-2013) I can never forgive myself for not knowing that this would happen.

How could I have known?...

Forgive yourself…And then forgive the people who hate your guts and want you dead.

(02-01-2013) I had a good kid who never harmed anyone.

That changed; his brain changed.

(03-22-2013)

A memory of when he was in high school…we are hiking up a hill

I can’t keep up.

Jim stays behind to make sure I am okay.

Isn’t that empathy?

Arlene writes about sitting in Jim’s untouched childhood room, “because I need the memories and tangible evidence that he was a good person.” Could this have been me? Could it have been Laura?  Three mothers – three sons with schizophrenia.

What made the difference?

Is it love? I highly doubt it. These boys were all loved.

Is it the lack of family education and support? Shortage of attention paid to early diagnosis and treatment? Is it the fear of diagnosis, fed by stigma, fear, and paucity of realistic access to treatment that must be consistent to be effective? Answer: sadly, all of the above.

Or is it also just the randomness of things, the moments we missed when we look back and say, “I wish I had known?” To this I say: you can never know. You can guess. You can educate yourself. You can take whatever actions seem right, do what the mental health system “allows” you to do. But nothing is ever that clear where mental illness is concerned.

“Show me a prison, show me a jail
Show me a prisoner, man, whose face is growin' pale
And I'll show you a young man with many reasons why
And there but for fortune, may go you or I”
- Phil Ochs

Is it fortune? Really? According to a 2006 study, “An estimated 56 percent of state prisoners, 45 percent of federal prisoners, and 64 percent of jail inmates have a mental health problem.” So can we also blame a mental health system that is underfunded, shortsighted, and mired in legalities that prevent people with mental illness – and their concerned families - from getting the help they need?

I’m talking with George, a social worker who works in the prison system, about this. He says that, yes, many of his prison clients have schizophrenia. We agree that so many of those with unmanaged mental illness wind up instead either homeless or in prison, and that they’d have been better served by receiving treatment, as early and consistently as possible – but then George shocks me with his next statement. He says:

Of course, the majority of my guys are imprisoned for killing their parents.

This stops me in my tracks, knocks me right off my soapbox. There but for fortune…?I have often imagined how hard it would be if Ben were incarcerated (which almost happened), institutionalized (which also almost happened), or homeless (which did happen, in the past) – but the thought that he could kill us, or anyone, in the midst of psychosis has never crossed my mind. Ben is a gentle and sweet soul – has been since birth – and I’ve always felt that this has been our saving grace. But did Arlene Holmes think her son incapable of violence? Did Laura Pogliano think she was through the worst of it when Zac admitted he had schizophrenia and agreed to be interviewed by USA Today?

The truth is, I have no idea what Ben’s voices tell him when he is untreated . He has never admitted to even hearing voices, much less the words he hears, but if he stops taking medication the fact that he responds to this internal world is undeniably clear. We only hear and see Ben’s side of the “conversation” – he gestures, grimaces, talks – but what do the voices say to him? I hope we never know, We’ve made it our job to make sure he stays in treatment, keeping that internal world quiet enough so Ben can work, live and love in the external world. We have no “legal” right to do this, of course; it’s simply a house rule, and Ben follows it. We have set limits in our home and we enforce them. So far, so good.

These days, Ben has a job he excels at, a social life with friends and family, and interests like hiking, bowling, and college classes. He takes his medication twice daily, which we supervise. Not my favorite moments in the day, but worth it. Every day he asks for a “Mom hug”, and tells me he loves me. Lucky family. We know it. But we live life with crossed fingers. All we can do is our best to make sure we respect his illness enough to keep it managed.  And the rest…is out of our hands.

There but for fortune….and one hell of a continuous fight. For treatment, for research, for respect for the needs of those with mental illness, the right to have treatment and the right to a future.

Three mothers.

Three stories.

Three outcomes.

Countless other families that could have been saved – including those of who have lost loved ones – with early diagnosis, stigma-free treatment, understanding, better research, mental health support services.

When will we ever learn?

On Glee, Odd Behavior, and - Schizophrenia?

Today's post comes courtesy of Ben Behind His Voices reader - and fellow Mom and blogger - Kari Larson. She wrote to me about a recent episode of Glee that I had also watched....and noticed Sue Sylvester's line of dialogue that compares character Blaine's new interest (talking with puppets) to that of someone "with schizophrenia and off meds"

I had noticed it, but it didn't really hit me as insulting because...well, hey, this is Glee, where they exaggerate pretty much everything and nothing is really off limits. Everyone acts erratically on Glee, and eventually they usually redeem themselves with some lesson following the farce.

But my son Ben doesn't watch Glee, so he had no reaction to the episode. Kari, however, wrote about a different experience. 

Hi Randye,

My daughter is 17 and has schizophrenia. She and I have watched Glee since the very beginning and overall it's been a show that embraces all types of people.

The most recent episodes have really upset us, and I'm wondering if some of the dialogue has come to your attention.

In one episode, the character of Marley is complaining about her ex-boyfriend's erratic behavior, that he's nice one minute and horrible the next, and says it's so "schizo."

This not only upset me because it was said in a negative way, but because it's not even correct, further perpetuating the myth that schizophrenia entails a split personality disorder. Untrue.

Another episode -- quite possibly the very next one -- has Sue Sylvester complaining that she didn't want school board members coming to the school and seeing "schizophrenia" students talking to imaginary puppets (one character had a hand puppet).

My daughter is heartbroken. I've sent Twitter comments to Ryan Murphy (Glee creator), Glee on Fox (official Glee Twitter account) and one of the executive producers. I don't expect to hear anything back, but I was wondering if any of this has come across your radar.

Thank you,
Kari Larson

In her blog(http://ninepillsaday.com/) , Kari adds: "I’m annoyed by two things. One: Schizophrenia DOES NOT MEAN split personalities. Two: Please, unless you, the writers of Glee, are headed toward a fantastic teaching moment, STOP USING THAT WORD. Stop using any form of that word. It’s insulting and, more often than not, used incorrectly."

What do you think? Glee "just joking" in the way it does for many issues, or stigma to to be protested? Does Sue Sylvester owe us an apology in a future episode? 

Call Me Crazy: You Are Not Alone in this Fight

Cast of Call Me Crazy

Lifetime is premiering a new film this Saturday at 8 PM:  

Call Me Crazy - and I can't wait to see it. I hope you will watch it too. 

Here is the description from Lifetime:

Through the five shorts named after each title character -- Lucy, Eddie, Allison, Grace and Maggie – powerful relationships built on hope and triumph raise a new understanding of what happens when a loved one struggles with mental illness. "Call Me Crazy: A Five Film" stars Academy Award® and Golden Globe® winners Jennifer Hudson, Melissa Leo and Octavia Spencer, Sarah Hyland, Sofia Vassilieva, Brittany Snow, Ernie Hudson, Jason Ritter, three-time Emmy Award®-winner Jean Smart, Lea Thompson, Oscar®-nominee Melanie Griffith and Chelsea Handler. Laura Dern, Bryce Dallas Howard, Bonnie Hunt, Ashley Judd and Sharon Maguire direct the anthology

NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) is a partner in this broadcast. They have a launched a new stigma-busting initiative as part of the campaign, encouraging us all to share our stories as part of You Are Not Alone in  This Fight.

As I myself prepare to visit Ohio, New York, Louisiana, Michigan, Connecticut and Tennessee in the next few weeks to share our story for Mental Health Awareness Month, I am thrilled that the messages will reach way beyond personal travels and speeches to reach the wide viewing public. 

Here is the story I shared on the NAMI site:

My son has experienced what I later learned is a fairly typical gradual-onset  pattern toward full-blown, and heartbreaking, schizophrenia. After years of chaos, we have gone through the stages of family emotional acceptance (NAMI Family-to-Family saved us, which is why I now teach and train others to teach it) and have hope once again - but that hope is always guarded, affected by stigma, caution and some sense of loss.

One saving grace comes in realizing we are not alone. Speaking out about family experience brings mental illness into the light, where it belongs. My book Ben Behind His Voices: One Family's Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope was created in part to open eyes, ears and hearts to the family experience - and get schizophrenia out of the closet so we can work on paths toward mental and emotional recovery.

Bravo to Lifetime - I hope this movie can help us take another step away from stigma and toward empathy, acceptance and solutions.

Randye Kaye

Why Be Open About Schizophrenia?

Let's talk about the question I get quite often, via reader e-mails, keynote Q & A, or sometimes in the form of a critical tweet or two accusing me of "exploiting" my son Ben by being open about out family's experience with his illness: schizophrenia.

Am I  "Exploiting" my Son by Sharing Our Family Experience with Mental Illness?

No. Because Ben has graciously allowed me to speak.

First of all,  Ben has given me permission to share our story, as long as I changed his first name, relay any messages he asks me to, but respect his privacy by not using adult photos or expecting him to go on the speaking circuit with me.  These things, I have gladly done.

While not willing to talk about schizophrenia (or even, frankly, agree that the diagnosis is correct), Ben does realize that by speaking (from my point of view as parent), we may be helping other families to cope, understand, and sometimes  come back together.  So this is something we have done, together, each in our own way.

Why be open about mental illness?

To reduce stigma by increasing understanding.

This video, produced for the "Stand Up for Mental Health" campaign at Healthy Place, explains how "through stories, we get the human face of any condition" and "fight for:

• Respect

• Advocacy, and

• Equality"

Please share, and check out the other videos there, if you know someone who may need to feel less alone.

"Silver Linings Playbook" and Meds: Why the Secrecy?

At the end of the movie Silver Linings Playbook, when main character Pat Peoples is about to embark on the next, happier, more stable part of his life, I think he says something to his ex-wife about doing much better because he is focused, determined, physically fit - and (shhh!)taking his meds.

I think he says this because it's muttered almost under his breath - like it's a big secret we don't need the audience to know. As if he could do it all by himself without those nasty "drugs".

Really? Most of the one-out-of-four families who deal with mental illness will say that, while all those other elements of recovery are also essential (love, purpose, helping others, exercise, structure) , they could be entirely useless without the medications that stabilize the brain. Albeit not perfectly.

Does Pat Peoples Take Meds in Silver Linings Playbook ?

One quote from the book:

"...a woman who knows all my secrets, a woman who knows just how messed up my mind is, how many pills I'm on, and yet she allows me to hold her anyway",

suggests that Pat did, after initial resistance (which we see in the film), take his medications (which we might see in the film, but it's left unclear).

How nice it would be if people like my son Ben, diagnosed with schizophrenia, could see a movie hero who learns to accept that his meds do help, openly swallow them in the movie, and acknowledge that they have been part of his recovery.

Thank You, Pharma Companies and Reps

In the past year, I've had the honor several times of addressing pharmaceutical reps to tell them how much their work matters. These reps have, well, a bum rap. The face stigma of their own, portrayed as money-hungry, aggressive, pill-pushers. I speak to them in my keynote asauthor and Mom, tell our story, and remind them that that without new developments in medication - which it is their job to make available - my son might not be where he is in life.

One comment from a recent attendee:

"Your story inspired our entire sales force to continue working hard to 'bring value to life' for patients and caregivers alike.  I can’t begin to tell you how moved other members of the company from other sales divisions were to hear your story—it really helped put a face on schizophrenia and the many challenges and hurdles faced by all concerned."

So - if you research, develop, work for access, make available, or otherwise help to bring new meds to people like my son - thank you. Keep at it, because many of these meds could certainly be improved. But you give our family hope.

Even if my son still feels he needs to hide the fact that medication is part of his recovery. Even if he wants to think all the success is due to his own willpower and drive.

Recovery Needs Many Things - Internal and External

I am a big fan of drive, exercise, community, purpose, and a positive attitude. But, where mental illness is concerned, those qualities are usually not enough - not without meds, especially in people as young as my son.

Maybe, someday, there will be a popular movie that, loud and proud, gives medical treatment some credit too.

(Still - I loved the movie.)

The Mental Illness Family Experience:More Reader Stories

Letters, we get letters....and each time it reinforces the fact that mental illness affects the whole family - and that many - too many - families are left to guess at proper treatment and cope alone, especially if their family member is a "legal adult."

at a recent NAMI conference, I spoke about the truth that underneath every "patient" is a valued person: (this link goes to a short youtube excerpt) 

The Courage and Love of Families Dealing with Mental Illness

from a couple in Massachusetts:

I just finished reading your book and I say thank you. Our family has been on this journey for 12 years with our daughter. My wife and I read your story, cried, wiped tears and started again, shared in your triumphs and your challenges, laughed, recalled frantic moments, and on. We are members of NAMI, the F2F course many years ago saved us from bottoming out. We still fight every day for society to support this brain illness. I will hold onto your visions of Pride, Hope, and eternal love for your family. Thank you for speaking out and sharing your family with us.

from Laura in California:

First I would like to thank you for writing this awesome book. I have bought a few copies and am having extended family read it to help understand what our family is going thru. I am writing you because our son who is now almost 24 is diagnosed with schizophrenia...the real problem is at this age we want him to live independently from us. I am worried if anything were to happen to us he would be lost...Thank you so much again for writing this very important book.

from another Mom:

My husband and I both read your book Ben Behind his voices in four days we couldn't put it down you were telling my story with my son.I have both my sons mentally ill.
I have so many question I want to do what you did and help them get their lives back.
My older son unfortunately became violent I called the police one time ... he spent 4 months in jail/ Psychiatry, then he became homeless because he wouldn't go by the house rules and seeing a psychiatrist - let alone taking meds.
Both my sons had a breakdown in their sophomore year in college.
I would like to get my son off the street and get him help.Please help. I am also a member of NAMI.Thank you for the book you are a wonderful mother. 

As you can see, the story in Ben Behind His Voices is not unique. Families are to often left to cope alone, and I am thrilled that we are, at least, beginning to reach out to each other. I'm honored our book is a part of that, but without you, wonderful reader, the story will only go so far. Thank you for commenting, connecting, sharing, recommending. I can't help but think that, even though the "newtown shooter" has not yet been proven to have had a mental illness, the situation would have very very different if his family had had education and support.

The Tragic Newtown Shooting: Attention Must Be Paid

The horrors of 9/11 got us into wars overseas, and the memories continued to be used to justify our involvement there. Will the tragedy in Newtown get us into a war against easy access to assault weapons, underfunded mental health services,  stalled research, and lack of support?

Never Forget. Act to Prevent.

Details continue to unfold about what might have contributed to the horrific incidents Friday in my neighboring town of Newtown, CT.

It is beyond comprehension, yet we struggle to find some threads that might prevent a repeat of it.

Many will, I hope and pray, start to listen and make changes to some of the issues involved: smarter gun control, earlier detection of mental health problems, and more access to (and insistence upon) treatment for those problems.

As we struggle to "search for solutions" (this week's topic on Good Morning America), I hope we also get to find out what Adam Lanza's mother, Nancy, had struggled with.

• Did she try to get help for her son, only to be denied because he was "legally an adult, and there's nothing we can do now"?

• Was she left with no choice but to home-school her son after he dropped out of high school?

• Was she lost in a desperate attempt to hang on to some sort of bonding with a son she loved, but was losing to mental illness? (in her case, by teaching him about guns, taking to shooting ranges)

• Did she even know how to navigate the confusing world of mental health services, only to find no road map, no support, no funding?

• Did the stigma and blame of having a son with mental health problems keep them isolated and feeling there was no community left for them?

All of these things were true for us, at times. We had to, have to, fight every step of the way to get help, support, understanding. We are lucky. Ben's nature is sweet and peace-loving. Even his "grand delusions" when in psychosis were about writing the perfect poem that will create world peace. Also, we found help and community in NAMI, and Ben got support from an ICCD clubhouse, a residential facility, outpatient treatment, and newer medications that had not existed decades ago.

But the truth of the matter is that too many familes (like, I suspect, the Lanzas) simply give up before they can find help and support. They are left to "fix it themselves." Too many families are wiped out financially (as we were), emotionally (as we often were) and socially (as we sometimes were) before they find new paths to recovery. To help these families, I wrote our book, "Ben Behind His Voices", and advocate for the kind of help that might have prevented Adam Lanza from committing the most horrific crime the world could ever imagine.

I don't "know for sure" (Oprah phrase) that this tragedy could have been prevented. But, as the mother of someone who has a mental illness and has managed to find hope, I can't help but wonder - no, suspect - that the answer is yes. This did not have to happen.

We must all fight for understanding, research, funding of services, turning stigma into treatment, and supporting the families who are, too often, ill-prepared to fight mental illness alone.

Living, and Sharing, with Mental Illness

Sharing Can Shape Our Lives

Before Ben Had a Job, He Took an Art Class and Made These Beads for Me

"For what we are, we are by sharing...and it is by sharing that we move toward the light." These words come from my temple's prayerbook for the Jewish New Year, and they never fail to re-ignite my sense of purpose each year.

Some seem to need this sense of community more than others, perhaps, but the fact is: we are all on this earth together. All of us. Healthy, or living with an illness or disability. Young, old, in between. Introverts and extroverts. Men, women. Different backgrounds, families, sexual orientations, strengths, challenges.

And what we are, what we become, the mark we leave on this world someday - it's a journey made meaningful by the sharing. And for that, we need each other.

How Stigma and Self-Stigma Can Lead to Isolation Instead

I recently participated in a wonderful panel called "Self-Stigma Solutions", alongside three people who live not only with mental illness but also with the stigma that can come along for the ride - both external and internal. Each person shared how they were either told, or told themselves:

• "your life is over"

• "you'll never amount to anything now"

• "you'll never have friends"

• "you may as well just give up"

Well - these people did not give up. They were down, but came back up. They not only refused to believe the stigma, they learned to change the messages they were giving themselves.  Yes, even with mental illness and all the stigma that comes with it, sharing is possible. One of my fellow panelists is now a lawyer, one a therapist, one a counselor - and all share their stories to help others living with mental illness, and their families. Thank you.

As for Ben, he spent years feeling unemployable - which wasn't easy. How do you answer when people say, "and what do you do?", when it's all you can do to stay out of the hospital? Slowly, though, he began to build upon the sharing he was doing: chores at his group home, a commitment to "Anonymous" meetings, volunteer work, helping us with household chores when visiting. He needed to share, to feel needed. And, eventually, he not only returned to college- he also has been employed part-time for almost 18 months. Ben has a bigger playing field, and a clearer structure, for sharing - and it has added to his recovery in so many ways.

Steps Away from Self-Stigma, and Toward Sharing

Three Steps That Can Help Erase the Negative Messages:
1 - Consider the Source of Negative Messages (they may be ignorant of the facts)
2 - Hang On to the Positives (past success, others who believe in you)
3 - Replacement Messages (e.g. eliminate the word "just" or "only" when you describe what you do)

Yes, this takes patience. Yes, it takes rewording your doubts until they look like problems to be solved instead of obstacles that prevent.  Yes, it takes work, and time. But each of them now share their lives, as does my son Ben.

Share Your Light

However we find community - a group home, a clubhouse, volunteer work, a meeting, your family - we each have something to share. And, by sharing, we let our own lights shine as we move toward the greater light we all create together.

See the person, not the symptoms.
See possibility and promise. It's there, with treatment, respect, patience, community, and hope.

Depression out of the Closet: The Boss too

Add Bruce Springsteen to the list of celebrities willing to talk about their mental issues.

Springsteen talks about his lifelong battles with depression in a 16,000-word New Yorker profile hitting the stands this week.

Every time someone in the public eye is willing to talk about mental illness, the door opens to acceptance just a bit more, and stigma is dealt a blow.

Ben and I are trying to do the same thing with our  book. This week I was thrilled to present "Listen Up! Hearing the Family’s Perspective on Illness " as Interdisciplinary Grand Rounds at Bridgeport Hospital, and honored to receive this feedback:

"I truly appreciated your candor, your humor, and your heart in speaking on this topic. I'd like to think I pride myself on empathy and compassion with all my patients, but I know after hearing you speak, I will double my efforts, all around, no matter the condition.  Thanks again for a really worth while and inspiring talk."

To touch another person like that - well, that's the reason I wrote the book and speak out. Thank you.

Yes, right now it is mostly my crusade as Ben's Mom - but someday I hope that Ben will speak out too. I see signs of acceptance in him, but I know he is not ready to say, in public, that he has schizophrenia. That's okay. I will take what we've got, and I know what it takes. Patience. Understanding. Love. And some luck too.

Meanwhile - Thanks, Boss, for your courage and honesty.  You've kicked the door open another inch.

Surviving Stigma: Families Speak Out

This training video for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is used to help family members of those with mental illness cope with stigma.

This was produced by Danolas Productions, and I was proud to be part of it. Families who survive stigma can be more helpful partners in recovery (and if the stars align just right...) View the trailer below.

Schizophrenia and "Perception": Will it be Accurate?

Tonight TNT unveils a new series called “Perception” , in which Eric McCormack plays a brilliant neuroscientist with a full-blown case of schizophrenia.

According to the NY Times, here is the premise:

Colorful characters that only Pierce can see pop up to help him solve murder cases he consults on for his spunky F.B.I. buddy, played by Rachael Leigh Cook. These apparitions badger Pierce with what appear to be non sequiturs and useless information until the last 10 minutes of an episode, when the light bulb goes on, and the murderer is identified.

"Perception" and Mental Illness Stigma

Eric McCormack plays a neuroscientist in “Perception” on TNT. - JanThijs/TNT

The review goes on to say that this is "TV-Fantasy schizophrenia" - so what does that mean? The hallucinations are useful? Cute? Just a manageable feature of a slightly-eccentric personality?

Will the fictional Daniel Pierce take meds? Will he have had any hospitalizations in his past? Does his family stick with him? Does he have friends? Is he stigmatized at all by his illness?

Will this show help spread misconceptions about schizophrenia as a cute illness, handy for solving crimes, rather than an acute illness?

We will have to wait and see. I'm taping it tonight. I've suggested to Ben that he watch it too, but I can see that the idea made him uncomfortable. So that, too, will have to wait.

Stop Stigma Now!: It May Save a Life

Last night I had the pleasure of being the keynote speaker for the Kennedy Center Inc Annual meeting. The theme was inspiring:

Create Hope, Celebrate Potential.

The Kennedy Center staff does so much to do just that, from educational programs to support services like job coaching, to residential programs and more, helping families when hopes and dreams have to be adjusted due to a disability diagnosis - in utero, at birth, because of an accident, or (as in our case) as a child develops.

Decorated books! for the centerpieces

We cry our tears; then, if we're lucky and well-guided, we wipe our eyes, pick up the pieces, educate ourselves, find a new community, get some support and new knowledge, and learn to understand our "new normal."  Then we adjust. And accept. And, eventually, appreciate the joys in this "new normal."

None of this happens overnight. It takes time (and the "SEARCH" elements I talk about - support, education, acceptance, resilience, communication, and hope/humor) to get to that new place.

And it takes time and patience.

But none of this - none of it - can happen without first addressing the problem of stigma. Especially where mental illness is concerned - because we can't always bring ourselves to see it, visually or emotionally.

Kenton Robinson of the Eastern Regional Mental Health Board wrote a beautiful, heartfelt piece about his experience with family stigma that almost had tragic results for one of his former 7th grade students:

he says:

Depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are illnesses, just as diabetes or heart disease are illnesses, but they are still viewed by many as the victims' fault. That stigma makes people ashamed and afraid, and it prevents many from getting the treatment they need.

I responded:

Shame was part of our initial reaction until we learned better, through NAMI (I became a family-to-family educator and trainer) and through hearing stories of others. I wrote our book hoping it might save a family as ours was saved - and, possibly, save a life.

Thank you for a wonderful article!

Richard Dreyfuss on Living with Mental Illness

Bravo, Richard Dreyfuss. Not only one of the best actors of our time, but he is speaking openly about his experience with bipolar. As reported last week in the Herald Tribune in this article by Barbara Peters Smith, Richard recently appeared in Sarasota, FL  to speak on “Living With Mental Illness” for the Mental Health Community Centers. The event was sponsored by the Sarasota Memorial Healthcare Foundation. 

In the accompanying interview, Richard says,

Dreyfuss:On an airplane the Delta magazine had an article about corporate executive depression. It said, “If you have any four of the next 14 …” and I had all 14.I got off the plane and called my psychiatrist and said, “we have to kick this into high gear. We have to start and get a solution. If we don’t, there really is no reason for me to go on.”

Herald-Tribune: About what time was this?

Dreyfuss: This was in the middle ‘90s. He said the wisest thing I’d ever heard. He said, “Richard, somewhere in your head is a faucet that is dripping either too quickly or too slowly, and we can help you.”  I can’t tell you the relief that lifted off my shoulders at that moment.

He goes on to share a lot of his experience, and his feelings about how the disorder has affected his life - from birth. Richard has joined the ranks of those of us - people affected by mental illness as well as those who love them - who refuse to feel shame or blame because of a physical illness of the brain. Someday, mental illness will receive the same respect (especially in research and availability of treatment and services) as other disorders. Each story, we hope, bring us closer to replacing stigma with understanding and a vow to improve the way things are.

Here is the comment I left on the site:

Thank you Richard, for sharing so honestly and openly. The fact that the medication that helped you the most was discontinued due to "lack of profit" is appalling. As the mother of a son who has schizophrenia (and I am so very proud of both my children, too!) I can tell you that while his medications are far from perfect, it is that  certain combination that has enabled him to stabilize enough to become an A college student and a valued part-time worker. As for our love? He always had that - but it is easier when psychosis is kept at bay.  The right medication can begin the process. Add love, support, purpose, community and understanding instead of stigma, and we've got a chance at realizing potential. I love your work - always have. And now I can appreciate what you may be going through as a person. Thanks for telling.
best, Randye Kaye
author of "Ben Behind His Voices:One Family's Journey
from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope"

"Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid": Book Review

Gina Gallagher is co-author with her sister Patricia Konjoian of Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid: A Survival Guide for Ordinary Parents of Special Kids.  I first saw this book at NAMI's 2011 National Convention in Chicago, and found it full of useful and realistic information to go with the catchy title.

The authors also write a Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid blog , and I highly recommend that as well.

Since Ben Behind His Voices will be at this year's NAMI Convention in Seattle, I hope to find Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid available there once again, right along with mine.  I could have used this book when Ben was going through frightening changes that shook my parenting confidence to the core.

Here are some things not to say, according to the authors (details in their book and blog):

1) "I don't know how you do it."

2) "Give me your kid for a week and I'll whip him in to shape."

3) "You poor thing."

4) "I'm so lucky, my kids are healthy."

5) "If that were my kid, he'd be different."

As the mother of an "imperfect kid" whose imperfection happens to be gradual-onset schizophrenia which began in his mid-teens, I have been on both sides of the fence; I went from proud Mom (though I like to think I didn't brag) to confused/embarrassed/guilty Mom, and back to proud Mom with a new set of criteria for my pride.  If you need a friendly, realistic and exceptionally empathetic and informative guide to how to maneuver your way through the world of "Perfect Families", I highly recommend this book. Check it out!

Mental Health, Community and Potential:The Clubhouse Model

Last week NAMI-CT's Fairfield Affiliate hosted an informative and inspiring Legislative Social - over 100 in attendance, including about a dozen state legislators, all there to hear about programs and services that help those affected by mental illness live fulfilling, purposeful, hopeful lives. I wrote about it here as well, on my Mental Illness in the Family blog.

My point there, as expressed in my comments at the meeting: don't let the success of these programs and the amazing young adults participating in them lull you into a false sense of security that continued funding is not necessary. It is. Oh, it is. In this climate of budget cuts for the look of the bottom line, never forget that treated mental illness is always way less expensive than the cost - financial and emotional - of untreated mental illness. Keep funding what works!

And here is something that works: the International Clubhouse model. Fountain House in NYC, Laurel House in Stamford CT, Shore Clubhouse in NJ, many others, and here an example from Bridge House in Bridgeport CT. This video was written, produced and voiced by the young adult members at Bridge House.

Possibility, Respect, Understanding. Here is the video. Enjoy.

Open Hearts and Mental Illness: View from both sides

There is so much potential, creativity, intelligence, and a wealth of new perspectives to be gained by being open to those affected by mental illness. One wonderful example is the aptly named Open Hearts Gallery in South Carolina.

Their mission?

One Open Hearts Work

THE OPEN HEARTS GALLERY IS A DYNAMIC GALLERY FEATURING THE TALENTED ARTWORK OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH OR HAVE RECOVERED FROM MENTAL ILLNESS.  ART IS A POWERFUL REPRESENTATION OF THE PERSON WITHIN - HIS OR HER PAIN, RECOVERY, AND TRIUMPH.  THE GALLERY SERVES AS A BRIDGE TO COMBAT STIGMA AND AS A REMINDER OF HOW RESILIENT AND SIMILAR WE ALL ARE.

Check it out. You can also order prints by going to their "contact" page.

Can we open our hearts to those with mental illness? Of course, as the mother of a wonderful young man who also has schizophrenia, I am going to say yes - still, as you know if you have read Ben Behind His Voices, there were times when I felt I had to harden that heart in order to survive emotionally. The journey to return to an open heart toward Ben was not without challenges; my book pays homage to the obstacles as well as to the results of the lessons of love, respect, and possibility that we eventually learned.

But, still - there is always another view. I recently has a conversation with someone whose heart was shaped by her own experience as parenting Ben has shaped mine. In his case, he had been stalked by someone whose mental illness was allowed to go untreated. Untreated! That can be the difference between love and fear, between open hearts and a mind forever closed. And I can't say I "blame" him. How could I?  (for more information about "Eliminating Barriers to the Treatment of Mental Illness", see the excellent website Treatment Advocacy Center.)

So, while most react to my story with gratitude, this person was cold to the idea of someone with schizophrenia being vulnerable, lovable, capable, and worthy of respect. I hope, perhaps, that hearing our story might loosen his heart just a bit. Stories, and art, can help do that.

Courage to Speak: Empowerment

The audiobook version of Ben Behind His Voices has its first official review, from Publishers Weekly - and the fact that the book might reach others who prefer to hear their stories told, rather than sit and read them, thrills me as both the author of the words and as the voice talent who narrated them.

When I agreed to voice the project for Spoken Word, Inc. - a fabulous new audiobook publisher with heart, integrity and a mission which includes donating a portions of proceeds to organizations like NAMI- I was concerned that I might be too close to the words to do justice to my own story.  When the audiobook arrived, I avoided listening to it for some time. I had gone from role of author to editor to voice talent and then to production editor; could I now, objectively, play the role of listener?

So when the first audio review included these words, I was both thrilled and relieved:

"This extremely affecting memoir is made more potent by author Randye Kaye’s background as a professional voice actor. Besides providing crisp, brisk narration, Kaye is exceptional at creating a sense of intimacy with listeners. We hear in Kaye’s performance her simmering frustration... her confusion... her motherly concern during Ben’s moments of sudden vulnerability, and her sadness when she realizes that Ben’s schizophrenia will be a permanent aspect of both his life and his family’s."

"Simmering frustration"..."confusion"..."sadness"..."concern." Every time I do an author event (as I did last night, focusing on what congregations can do to support families dealing with mental illness) I am reminded that there are thousands of stories like ours, probably millions. People share their experiences, and these feelings seem universal to those of us dealing with mental illness in a loved one.

The thing that always makes me feel as though this book has been worth writing and sharing is when families tell me that reading has changed their attitude about speaking up.  When someone tells me that they decided to stop fearing stigma, let go of the shame that truly has no place in any no-fault illness, and speak out for their family - that propels me to continue speaking, writing, giving voice to our story and hopefully encouraging others to do the same.

Thank you, reader,  for telling me about the effect this book - or audiobook - has had on you. Every time I meet you, or get an e-mail from you, I am encouraged and embraced by your your courage.

Together we can make the difference by putting a human face onto mental illness and refusing to bow to stigma. I hope we continue to empower each other to speak.

Schizophrenia and Family: Walking the Tightrope of Recovery

Recovery in mental illness is possible, yes - but is often a tightrope walk for all involved: consumers, family, friends, providers.  To paraphrase Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman, "Respect must be paid."

This is an excerpt from today's radio interview with Ray Andrewsen of WQUN AM in Hamden, CT, where he asks me about our family experience as schizophrenia developed in my son Ben.

Next Thursday, June 9, I'm honored to be the keynote speaker for Fellowship Place in New Haven, CT, one of many organizations providing much-needed support and community for those with mental illness. .

Eighth Annual Doctor Albert J. Solnit Memorial Lecture

Advance ticket purchase is required. Tickets are $25.00 each. To purchase tickets, please click on the link on the left or call Melissa Holroyd at 203-401-4227 x111. All proceeds to benefit housing and support services to adults who suffer from chronic mental illness.

more info: Hope to see you there if you can make it!

Fellowship Place to host our 8th Annual Dr. Albert J. Solnit Memorial Lecture: a discussion with  Author Randye Kaye, Thursday June 9, 2011 at 7:00pm, at the Whitney Humanities Center Auditorium of Yale University, 53 Wall Street, New Haven.

Join us for a conversation with Randye Kaye, based on her book "Ben Behind His Voices: One Family's Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope", to be published by Rowman and Littlefield in September 2011.  Kaye will share with the audience her experiences with her son who suffers from schizophrenia, how mental Illness affects the whole family and how they helped guide him on his recovery journey as he went from 7 hospitalizations to now 4 semesters on the Deans List at his school.
Kaye humanizes the experience of schizophrenia by including Ben’s point of view, through his poetry and other writings, and pays tribute to the courage of anyone who suffers with mental illness
Following the Author’s presentation, Fellowship will host a panel discussion with the audience and a coffee reception. The Panel will include:

Daniel M. Koenigsberg, MD, Former Chairman, Dept. of Psychiatry, Hospital of St. Raphael, Associate Clinical Professor, Yale Medical School

• Selby Jacobs MD, MPH, Former Medical Director, CT Mental Health Center, Professor of Psychiatry, Yale Medical School

• Allan Atherton: Treasurer, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) of Elm City, Past President NAMI/CT, Co-Coordinator, NAMI CT Sharing Hope Initiative

• Randye Kaye, Author: ”Ben Behind His Voices: One Family’s Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope”, NAMI Family-to-Family educator, Radio broadcaster: NPR.